Johanna: July 10, 2021
When my husband and I first got together, he had a bad drinking problem, especially liquor. He would become a different person and not remember what would happen or what was said. This was one of those times.
I was across the country packing and planning a move across the country to be with him. He went out bar hopping got drunk, and this is what he remembers from that night.
At one bar, he ended up running into a girl that he had hooked up with various times before me. She had this whole sob story about having just gotten an abortion and needed to be around someone. My husband bought the story and brought her over to his place. He told her in his words, explicitly, that he was not interested in anything sexual or flirtatious as he was very much in love with me and wouldn’t do anything to mess that up.
She said that’s fine and that she understands, and they fell asleep in the same bed. He is so drunk during this interaction that he blacks out and doesn’t remember anything else. That is until he wakes up and sobers up from the pleasure that she forced on him. He doesn’t remember consenting, only waking up from the excitement of her mounting him.
He yells at her and calls her a rapist. She even almost has the cops called on her from the amount of yelling and drama she was causing. He promises that he never was in contact with her again other than random messages she would send, but he would not respond. He stayed friends with her on social media because he says he was afraid that she would go “crazy on his pregnant wife.”
He never told me about this until three years later. I confronted her and asked if he was telling the truth. I didn’t think that a rapist would admit to it, but I wanted to hear what she would have to say. As soon as I contacted her, she took a screenshot and sent it to my husband, then blocked me.
She claims to him that she doesn’t remember that night at all. We have been having problems, and he talked garbage about me to her, mostly because he says he was angry that I insinuated that he lied. He even accepted sympathy from her for our marriage problems. He says he regretted this and apologized and sends her a message saying what she did was abuse, plain and simple and that he was blocking her.
Honestly, I don’t know how to feel about this. On the one hand, I’m angry at the woman because I want to believe him, and she is a rapist. I do believe men can be raped, and from what he describes, it is rape. The part that I’m having a problem with, though, is that he invited an ex over to comfort her, sleep in the same bed as her, but then claims he is loyal, but sleeping in the same bed isn’t being faithful.
When he’s drunk, he doesn’t remember things. What if he did consent? But if that’s the case, then that isn’t consenting. I’m so confused.